The Black and White Car: Discovering Shame

 A Short Story by Adam Sill

Devin  sat down on the cold green lawn. He stared at the square stone laying in front of him that read, "Mary Wells 1994-2011" He remembered holding her hand. How even though their hands got sweaty and dirty, he refused to release his grasp. He could still feel her soft lips on his. And it seemed that everywhere he went he could hear her laughing or crying. He couldn't explain it but she haunted his mind and he did not want her to cease. He stood and left the grave of Mary Wells. He walked through the graveyard seeking the exit as he tried to make sense of things in his mind. However, no matter how hard he tried, he could not find any answers. When he reached the exit of the cemetery he saw a sign that stood high among the gravestones. It read; "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or morning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. -Revelation 21:4"
Devin read the sign and turned away in disgust and cursed it. He exited the cemetery and began to walk toward his car. As he was walking an old black and white car pulled up next to him. The passenger's side window rolled down revealing a dark haired man who looked to be in his thirties. "You?" Devin said, recognizing the man instantly.
"Get in." the man said, "We need to talk."
Devin obeyed and slowly entered the grey car. Right when he closed the door the car sped off. They were moving so fast that Devin could not make out the objects outside of the car. He glanced over at the speedometer which displayed "0 MPH"
"Am I dead?" Devin asked
"You tell me." The man answered
They continued driving in silence for a few more minutes before Devin worked up the courage to speak. "Who are you?" Devin asked
"Maybe you should ask yourself that question." the man answered
"Enough!" Devin yelled, "No more riddles! No more games! Just give me a straight answer!"
"I Am." the man answered
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Exactly what it sounds like."
"That's it, I can't take it any more." Devin said as he reached for the door handle.
"Do you honestly think if you jumped out of the car right now you would survive?" the man asked
"You are a master of cheap, cruel tricks." Devin said, "How do I know the car is actually moving?"
"I am not a master of cheap tricks." the man responded, "Do you believe the car is moving?"
Devin sighed, "Yes."
"Then it is moving."
"So you are saying that if I believed that the car wasn't moving, then it wouldn't be moving?"
"I did not say that."
"Then what are you saying?"
"I am saying that everything is the way it is because I made it that way and because it is that way for a reason. Though you will never fully understand that reason, you must have faith in the fact that I know what I am doing and that my way is the right way. That is why the car is moving."
"And if I don't have faith?"
"There's the door."
Devin turned and glanced at the door then back at the man. "Okay," he said, "What do you want?"
"What do you think I want?" the man replied
"I don't know! I- uh-" Devin stuttered trying to find an answer.
"Sure you know." The man said, "Think. Think of all the things you've ever learned about me. Think of all the things I've done."
"Okay." Devin said
"What do I want?" the man asked
"Me." Devin answered
The man grinned a little. "Is that what you think?"
"Yes."
"That's a shame." the man said
"What?" Devin said, "You don't want me?"
"No, I do." the man answered, "I was just hoping for an answer that you hadn't known since you were a six-year-old boy."
"I don't know what you want me to say." Devin said
"Yes you do. Just look deep within yourself." the man replied
"I can't! Why can't you just tell me what you want me to do?"
"I have." the man answered
"That's bull shit! You haven't told me anything!"
"'It comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood poor approbation than ever proof itself would have earned him.'" the man said
"Who said that?" Devin asked
"Shakespeare." the man answered
"What does that mean?"
"It means don't swear in my car."
Devin sunk down in his seat, embarrassed. "I'm sorry." he said
"I forgive you." the man said
They both sat in silence for a while before Devin finally spoke again. "Why are you doing this to me?"
"What am I doing to you?" the man asked
"You are torturing me." Devin answered
"How so?"
"'How so?'" Devin was filled with rage, "What do you mean 'How so'? You have taken everything from me! I'm failing in school! My family is a mess! And my girlfriend just killed herself!"
"Oh, did I do all that?" the man asked sarcastically
"You could have saved her!"  Devin yelled, "You could have saved her! But no, you just sat back and watched as she drove a knife into her stomach!"
The man was infuriated. "You think I didn't try to save her? You think I didn't love her with all of my heart. I loved her in a way you never could understand! I could have created more peace in her life than you could have hoped to create!"
"Then why didn't you?" Devin asked
"I tried."
"You tried? I thought that when you want something it automatically happens." Devin mocked
"You couldn't be more wrong." the man said
"Oh well then please, tell me how you tried to save Mary's life?"
"I sent her you."
Devin was taken off guard. He immediately saw what the man meant. He felt so overwhelmed that he burst into tears.
"It's okay." the man said as he patted Devin on the shoulder. "It's okay. You are not perfect."
"No," Devin said, "But you are! So why are you letting all of this happen to me? Why didn't you tell me that all I had to do was bring her to you? Why didn't you tell me anything?"
"I did tell you. I had been telling you for years."
"Then how come she's dead?"
"Because you wouldn't listen!"
"Oh, don't give me that crap! You don't care about me! You don't care about anyone! All you do is sit up there on your stupid cloud and laugh as you watch me suffer!"
"That's not true, Devin. I love you. I love you with all my heart. I gave my life for you."
"Yeah, okay." Devin said as he rolled his eyes.
The car came to a stop. They were back at the grave yard.
"Okay, Devin," the man said, "You have reached a choice. We can continue driving and talking and hopefully get all of this trouble worked out or you can quit now and get out of the car. The choice is yours. But let me warn you, if you get out of the car that is your destination." He pointed to the graveyard.
Devin sat and thought, he looked at the man then at the graveyard. "Okay," Devin said, "I'm done." He grabbed the handle and pushed the door open.
"Devin, I am not trying to mislead you. Mary may have no more hope. But you do. I'll be right here... Waiting for you."
Devin climbed out of the car and slammed the door and the man shed a tear.

This Modern Malaise

A Short story by Adam Sill

Jude awoke in the uncomfortable sheets of the hospital bed, with the unwholesome “beeping” of the machines he was attached to. He looked to the table on his right and saw a file with his name on it. “Gleeson, Julian H.” he read aloud to himself, “How did I get here?” he said. He then looked down to see the bandages on his chest and he remembered the events that took place a week ago.

Last Wednesday was a day he would never forget. His wife, Kristy, had gone to the grocery store. She had no knowledge of the fact that Jude had been fired from his job as a Loan Officer at the Silver City Bank a month before. She had asked him to do only one thing that day; pick up their son Mickey from school. A task he could not accomplish because he was busy speaking with a man named Donald “Donnie” Jackson; A loan shark that Jude had given money to bet on the upcoming Lakers-Celtics game that night. Since he had gotten fired from his job, this was the only way Jude could make money. However, he had not been making any money.

“That’s six grand on Boston, right?” Donnie asked

“Yeah,” Jude answered, “that’s right.”

“They win, and you’re out of debt. They lose, and you need to pay me as soon as you can, Jude. I have already done you too many favors. I can’t keep waiting on you to pay me back.”

“You won’t have to. I promise.” Just as he was saying this he felt a vibration in his pocket. He pulled out his cell phone that read, “Incoming call: Kristy” He hit the green “Send” button and lifted the phone to his ear. “Hello.” Jude said

“Hey, honey, how are you?” His wife said on the other line

“I’m good. Just on my way home from work.” Jude turned to Donnie, covered the mouth-piece on his phone and whispered, “I gotta go. See you Friday.”

“Okay,” Donnie answered, “But if you lose this bet, I’m not giving you any more chances.”

“Who was that?” Kristy asked

“Just the radio.” Jude lied as he nodded to Donnie and turned around to walk to his car.

“How’s Mickey?”

“What?” Jude asked

“Did you pick him up from school?”

“Oh my God, I completely forgot!” he said

“Are you serious?” she asked

“I’m so sorry, honey, could you do it?”

“I’m around the corner from the school,” she answered, “I’ll pick him up.”

“Thank you Kristy.”

“Yeah” she said

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” The conversation went silent and Jude looked at his phone to read, “Call Ended” he put the phone into his pocket, opened his car door, got in and drove home.

Jude entered his quiet home to find it empty. He reached into his pocket, pulled out his phone to see the glowing screen that read, “1 Missed Call”. Jude hit the green “Send” button to call the unfamiliar number. The phone rang three times before a young woman answered on the other end. “Hello, Star City Hospital. This is Annie speaking, how may I help you?” the woman said

“Hello,” Jude said, “This Julian Gleeson. I received a call from someone here about twenty minutes ago, and I was just trying to find out who it was that called me and if there is anything wrong.”

“Certainly, sir. Hold on just one moment.”

Jude waited in silence for a few moments until a man’s voice came on the other end, “Hello, Mister Gleeson, my name is Doctor Campbell, I called you and left a message asking you to come in to the hospital.”

“Sorry, I didn’t get that message.” Jude said, “Is there a problem?”

“Yes, sir, I’m afraid your wife was in a car accident and we wanted you to come in.” the doctor answered.

A sudden wave of panic covered Jude. He fell backward into a chair. “Is she okay?” he asked, “Is my son there?”

“Your wife is unconscious at the present moment, and she was the only passenger in the car.”

“Okay,” Jude said, “I’m on my way.” Jude hung up the phone, ran out the door, got in his car and drove off.

Jude was so worried. He was terrified, but he had to stay strong. He rushed to his Mickey’s school. When he arrived there he found his son sitting on the front steps of the school waiting, alone for Jude to arrive. When Mickey looked up to see his father’s car, he stood up and rushed to over and entered the vehicle. Jude started to pull out of the parking lot, when his son asked, “Where were you, Dad?”

He didn’t know what to say. So he just let the words slip out, “I’m sorry, bud. Your mom got in a car accident and we are going to the hospital right now.”

“Mom got in a car accident?” Mickey asked.

Jude could hear the terror in his eight-year old son’s voice. “Yes,” he said, “but she is going to be alright.”

It was a quiet drive from the school to the hospital and Jude began to fear for the worse. They arrived at the hospital and parked the car in the large, parking lot outside of the building and walked inside. Jude walked his son up to the front desk. There was a large, young woman with red hair sitting behind the desk staring at her computer as her big, sausage-like fingers typing away at the key board. She wore pink scrubs and had a name tag that read “Annie”

“Hello,” Jude said, “My name is Julian Gleeson, my wife was in a car accident.”

“What’s your wife’s name?” The young woman asked without taking her eyes off of the computer screen.

“Uhm, Kristen Gleeson.” He said. Saying her name brought tears to his eyes. He did not know why, and he didn’t care. He just wanted to hold his wife in his arms and know that everything is okay.

Annie looked up from the computer and gave Jude a quick, polite smile then reached into a stack of files behind her. She pulled one out, and read it. She then picked up her phone punched a few digits into the phone and said, “Doctor Campbell to the front desk.” Her voice rang out along the halls.

Jude turned to Mickey and told him to go sit down in one of the seats next to the front door. His son obeyed. The woman named Annie went back to her quick typing leaving Jude standing there tapping his fingers against the desk waiting for the doctor. Then a tall, dark man walked up. He wore a white overcoat and was easily identifiable as a doctor.

“Hello,” the doctor said, “My name is Doctor Campbell.”

“Hello.” Jude said, politely.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news.” The doctor continued. Jude knew what the doctor was going to say before the words even left his mouth. “I’m afraid your wife has passed away.” The doctor said.

Jude couldn’t breathe. He dropped to his knees and inhaled a deep breathe. He began to cry, but he stopped himself remembering he was in sight of his son. He stood up and looked away so that Mickey couldn’t see his red face. “Did she die in the hospital?” he asked

“No,” the doctor answered, “She was hit by a semi-truck and was killed on impact.” Jude let out a small groan, closed his eyes and cried.

“Could I…” Jude stuttered, “Could I see her?”

“Absolutely.” The doctor said as he turned to lead Jude down the hall. Jude began to follow, then turned to the woman at the desk.

“Excuse me, miss,” He said. The woman looked up at him with a sympathetic look on her face. “Could you watch my son while I’m gone?” he asked as he directed his index finger toward Mickey.

“Yes,” The woman said, “Yes I can.”

“Thank you.” Jude said. He wiped away his tears and walked over to Mickey. He bent over so their eye level was equal. “I’ll be right back, bud.” Jude said to his son

“Where are you going?” Mickey asked his father

“I’m going to see Mom.”

“I wanna see Momma” Mickey said

“No, you have to stay here.”

Mickey began to cry. “I’m scared, I just wanna see Momma.”

“I know you do. But I need you to stay here buddy. Please.”

“Please don’t leave me here.”

“I’m not leaving you. I’ll be right back. You’ll see Momma soon. I promise.”

“Okay.” Mickey wiped away his tears. Jude kissed his son on the forehead, turned around and walked toward the doctor who guided him to the room that his wife was in.

“Here it is.” The doctor said as he stopped in front of a door that read “012”

“When you are finished, go back to the woman at the front desk, and she has some paperwork for you to fill out.” The doctor said

“Thank you doctor.” Jude said. Doctor Campbell turned and walked down the hall. Jude stared at the door for a few moments. He did not want to walk inside. He knew that he would not like the sight. But he had to go in and say goodbye to her. Jude grasped the door knob and turned it in and pushed open the door. Inside there was an open chair. All of the machines were turned off and silent. There, on the bed, lay his wife’s lifeless body. She was beautiful. Her golden hair had turned pale along with her skin. Her eyes were closed. Jude grabbed the empty chair and pulled it toward the bed. He broke down into tears. “I’m so sorry.” he said, “I am so sorry.” He lay his head on the bed and continued talking to his wife. “Why did this have to happen? What did you do to deserve this? You are so perfect. You deserved someone so much better than me. What the hell did I do? I screwed everything up! I destroyed your life. I destroyed Mickey’s life, and I’ve destroyed my life.”

Jude remembered when he was younger, how he would walk through the park with Kristen and hold her hand. He remembered their first kiss when they were eighteen outside of a movie theatre after seeing the movie, American Beauty. She was the most wonderful woman in the world, and in an instant she was swept off this Earth forever. He held her cold hand in his. Leaned forward and whispered into her ear, “I will always love you. No matter what happens, I will always take care of Mickey. I love you.” He kissed her forehead, and walked out of the room.

He waited until they got home until he told Mickey that Kristen had died. He let Mickey sleep in his bed that night and didn’t make him go to school for the rest of the week. It was eleven o’clock, Friday night that he was sitting at his desk in his bedroom when the phone rang. He picked up the phone, held it up to his ear. “Hello.” He said.

“Hello Jude.” Said a voice Jude immediately recognized as Donnie.

“Donnie.” Jude said

“You see the game, Jude?”

“No. I’ve had some problems. Some problems with my wife.”

“What’s wrong? She cheating?”

“No.” Jude said, “She’s dead/”

“That’s too bad.”

“Yeah, so what’s this about Donnie?”

“Boston lost thirty-six to fourty-two.”

“Dammit.” Jude’s head fell to his desk. He clenched his hand into a fist and slammed it against the desk.

“Yeah, it was a fun game though. It’s too bad you missed it. So I need my money by Monday.”

“I don’t have the money, Donnie.”

“Like Hell you don’t! You said you had it, so you’re gonna get me the money. I don’t care what you have to do. But if you don’t deliver the money to me by Monday, I’m going to have to go to your house and get it from you.”

“Donnie, please, my wife is dead, I don’t have a job and I have to take care of my son. Just give me more time.”

“Jude, shut up! You are a worthless waste of space. You screwed up, so you have to pay the consequences.”

“Donnie. Please.”

“You have ‘til Monday.” Jude heard the sound of Donnie hanging up the phone and a dial tone. Jude placed the phone back on the receiver.

“Dammit!” he yelled.

“Daddy.” Jude turned and saw his son in the doorway.

“Hey Mickey, what are you doing up?”

“I can’t sleep.” Mickey said, “I’ve been having bad dreams.”

“Really?” Jude said, “Come sit on my lap and tell me about your dream.”

Michael walked over and sat on his father’s lap. “Well,” he said, “I am swimming in a river and a man comes up to me and pushes me under water. No matter how much I squirm, I cannot get away, and… I die.”

“Hey,” Jude said, “You are not going to die. I will always be here to take care of you. And I will never let anyone ever hurt you.”

“I know. It’s just scary. If Momma died. Then you can die. I don’t want you to die.”

“I’m not going to die. I will protect you from anything that tries to hurt you.”

“I love you Papa.”

“I love you too. Now go get a glass of water and go back to bed.”

“Okay.” Mickey said as he hopped off his father’s lap and walked out of the room.

The days were long and dreadful. Every day he missed Kristen more than he had the day before. And every night Jude heard Mickey get up to get a glass of water then go back to bed. Monday came around. He sat at home all day thinking of Kristen from the time he took Mickey to school to the time he picked Mickey up from school. He thought of Donnie and he was filled with fear. He couldn’t deliver any money to Donnie, because he had no money to give. He had known Donnie for years and he knew that the loan shark was capable of anything. That night he lay in bed, terrified of what Donnie might do. He stared at the ceiling for a long time then fell into sleep. He awoke to a hard jolt on his side. Jude looked up to see Donnie standing over him with a gun pointed at his face.

“I warned you, Jude!” Donnie said, “Now where’s the money?”

“I don’t have it!” Jude said. His voice trembled with terror

“You’re worthless, Jude! I need the money now!” He slammed the gun against Jude’s face, breaking his nose. Blood splattered out of his nostrils. “Where’s the goddam money?”

“Dad?” came a small scared voice from the entrance of the room. Donnie was taken off guard and, without thinking, turned and fired the gun. The loud, haunting “Crack” of the gun sent shivers down his spine.

“No!” Jude yelled

Donnie pointed the gun at Jude’s chest and pulled the trigger.

Jude stared at the clock in the hospital room. Doctor Campbell walked into the room.

“Jude.” He said, “You’re awake.”

“Where’s Mickey?” Jude asked in a demanding tone

“I’m sorry.” Doctor Campbell said, “I’m so sorry. Your son is dead.”

Jude rested his head on his pillow, closed his eyes and fell into darkness.